Mark's on Fire!
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What do a fire extinguisher, a brown Rover and a can of deicer have in common? Read on, you won't be dissapointed!
So you're planning a late summer week away with the long suffering wife and kids. Your lovely wife Lorraine plans everything in great detail, spends hours cleaning the caravan, packing the bags, shopping for food, checking the insurance and other related stuff which is hard work. The kids are excited, they are nearly ready to go back to school and winter is drawing close. They've told all their friends they are going away and the looks on their dear little faces says it all.
Mark hitches the caravan to his brown Rover (I have been asked to mention that Lorraine does not wish to be held responsible for her husband's choice of cars or music) and loads the boot with the cases and bags Lorraine has spent days preparing. Lorraine and the kids are happy in the knowledge that Mark has executed his responsibilities to the letter and in the professional way one would expect from somebody who continually tells everybody he is sexy. The caravan has been serviced, the tyres, brakes, lights and towing hitch tested and everything inside secured. Dave even suggested Mark phoned Willingham's to see how much they will charge to tow the car and caravan home.
Off they go. Man, woman, kids, brown Rover, caravan and Elvis cassette collection in perfect harmony. The kids are in the back ducking out of sight incase they are spotted, Lorraine is in the front trying to find the radio fuse to permanently mute Elvis and Mark is murdering Blue Suede Shoes at the top of his voice. It's going to be a fantastic holiday!
WAIT! Some bloke in a proper car has pulled along side Mark and is gesturing at him with a distressed, no alarmed look on his face. Mark thinking the bloke is having a lot off because he is only going 50MPH (Nothing to do with the fact he is towing a caravan, he's driving a brown Rover) tells the bloke to F**K Off and returns the gensture with his middle finger. The concerned man who only has Mark's long suffering wife and kids welfare at heart continues to gesture, pointing at the rear of Mark's caravan. Mark thinks about it for a while and wonders if there's something wrong with the caravan. Long after most normal people would have worked it out and stopped Mark decides to pull over in a convienient parking area.
Mark and Lorraine get out to investigate, the kids safely hiding in the back of the brown Rover incase they are spotted by their friends. Smoke appears to be pouring in ever increasing amounts from the nearside rear wheel of the caravan. It appears the nearside rear drum brake on the caravan, completely lacking any routine maintenance or preparation for this long trip has siezed and overheated risking a major fire and destruction of the caravan but it's Ok really as the brown Rover and Elvis cassette collection are safe!
Mark tries to remove the caravan wheel nuts but they are far too hot to handle (unlike Mark). He looks and looks for some water to pour on them but realises he let his poor wife and kids undergo a long journey on a hot day without even a bottle of water to prevent dehydration. He searches for a fire extinguiser. "I know what one looks like" Mark said realising the last one he saw was at work. In a desperate bid to quench the smoke and cool the wheel nuts he finds a can of deicer in his boot. Deicer, highly flammable, pressurised liquid in an aerosol, the last thing you put near anything hot but Mark's desperate, very desperate and ignores the large inch square flammable liquid warning on the rear of the aerosol. Squirt, squirt, (Not Mark, just what he is doing with the aerosol) he attempts to cool his nuts with the white coloured liquid.
Eventually Mark releases his seized nuts but there's a problem. In his desperation to save his brown Rover Mark pulled over in so much of a hurry he parked too close to the kerb so now he can't get the wheel off. After a shuffle about Mark does what he should have done weeks ago, serviced the caravan brakes!
I was down at Salisbury Garage today to have a look at a Renault Laguna (If you own one, unlucky!). A cable had corroded inside the engine compartment relay box and become detached from the relay's terminal causing the heap of shit (Generic term for a Renault) not to start. I asked hard working garage owner Dave if he had any petroleum jelly to protect the terminals from water ingress and to limit further corrosion. "I don't have any Jon" Dave replied. "I've got some Vaseline" Mark shouts from the other side of the workshop, "I'll get it for you". Mark takes off at speed like something demented with his limp wrists wagging at his side.
Later, I found Mark getting into position ready for the Vaseline to be applied. I did of course point out that this was the wrong Renault and that the Vaseline would be applied to the electrical terminals and not his rear exhaust pipe. Mr H was seen leaving the building by a rear entance, not sure though if it was Mark's rear entrance!!
Disclaimer:
No long suffering wife, child, trainee mechanic, garage owner or brown Rover was harmed in the making of this blog post. I cannot be held responsible for any future divorce proceedings or the issuing of P45's!
Related Articles:
Mark Thinks he is God's Gift to Women!
Shock Horror, Mark isn't Working Again!
Keywords:
Disaster | Despair | Divorce | Unbelievable | Unemployed | Useless
So you're planning a late summer week away with the long suffering wife and kids. Your lovely wife Lorraine plans everything in great detail, spends hours cleaning the caravan, packing the bags, shopping for food, checking the insurance and other related stuff which is hard work. The kids are excited, they are nearly ready to go back to school and winter is drawing close. They've told all their friends they are going away and the looks on their dear little faces says it all.
Mark hitches the caravan to his brown Rover (I have been asked to mention that Lorraine does not wish to be held responsible for her husband's choice of cars or music) and loads the boot with the cases and bags Lorraine has spent days preparing. Lorraine and the kids are happy in the knowledge that Mark has executed his responsibilities to the letter and in the professional way one would expect from somebody who continually tells everybody he is sexy. The caravan has been serviced, the tyres, brakes, lights and towing hitch tested and everything inside secured. Dave even suggested Mark phoned Willingham's to see how much they will charge to tow the car and caravan home.
Off they go. Man, woman, kids, brown Rover, caravan and Elvis cassette collection in perfect harmony. The kids are in the back ducking out of sight incase they are spotted, Lorraine is in the front trying to find the radio fuse to permanently mute Elvis and Mark is murdering Blue Suede Shoes at the top of his voice. It's going to be a fantastic holiday!
WAIT! Some bloke in a proper car has pulled along side Mark and is gesturing at him with a distressed, no alarmed look on his face. Mark thinking the bloke is having a lot off because he is only going 50MPH (Nothing to do with the fact he is towing a caravan, he's driving a brown Rover) tells the bloke to F**K Off and returns the gensture with his middle finger. The concerned man who only has Mark's long suffering wife and kids welfare at heart continues to gesture, pointing at the rear of Mark's caravan. Mark thinks about it for a while and wonders if there's something wrong with the caravan. Long after most normal people would have worked it out and stopped Mark decides to pull over in a convienient parking area.
Mark and Lorraine get out to investigate, the kids safely hiding in the back of the brown Rover incase they are spotted by their friends. Smoke appears to be pouring in ever increasing amounts from the nearside rear wheel of the caravan. It appears the nearside rear drum brake on the caravan, completely lacking any routine maintenance or preparation for this long trip has siezed and overheated risking a major fire and destruction of the caravan but it's Ok really as the brown Rover and Elvis cassette collection are safe!
Mark tries to remove the caravan wheel nuts but they are far too hot to handle (unlike Mark). He looks and looks for some water to pour on them but realises he let his poor wife and kids undergo a long journey on a hot day without even a bottle of water to prevent dehydration. He searches for a fire extinguiser. "I know what one looks like" Mark said realising the last one he saw was at work. In a desperate bid to quench the smoke and cool the wheel nuts he finds a can of deicer in his boot. Deicer, highly flammable, pressurised liquid in an aerosol, the last thing you put near anything hot but Mark's desperate, very desperate and ignores the large inch square flammable liquid warning on the rear of the aerosol. Squirt, squirt, (Not Mark, just what he is doing with the aerosol) he attempts to cool his nuts with the white coloured liquid.
Eventually Mark releases his seized nuts but there's a problem. In his desperation to save his brown Rover Mark pulled over in so much of a hurry he parked too close to the kerb so now he can't get the wheel off. After a shuffle about Mark does what he should have done weeks ago, serviced the caravan brakes!
I was down at Salisbury Garage today to have a look at a Renault Laguna (If you own one, unlucky!). A cable had corroded inside the engine compartment relay box and become detached from the relay's terminal causing the heap of shit (Generic term for a Renault) not to start. I asked hard working garage owner Dave if he had any petroleum jelly to protect the terminals from water ingress and to limit further corrosion. "I don't have any Jon" Dave replied. "I've got some Vaseline" Mark shouts from the other side of the workshop, "I'll get it for you". Mark takes off at speed like something demented with his limp wrists wagging at his side.
Later, I found Mark getting into position ready for the Vaseline to be applied. I did of course point out that this was the wrong Renault and that the Vaseline would be applied to the electrical terminals and not his rear exhaust pipe. Mr H was seen leaving the building by a rear entance, not sure though if it was Mark's rear entrance!!
Disclaimer:
No long suffering wife, child, trainee mechanic, garage owner or brown Rover was harmed in the making of this blog post. I cannot be held responsible for any future divorce proceedings or the issuing of P45's!
Related Articles:
Mark Thinks he is God's Gift to Women!
Shock Horror, Mark isn't Working Again!
Keywords:
Disaster | Despair | Divorce | Unbelievable | Unemployed | Useless
posted by Jon Fry at 2:52:00 AM
2 Comments: Please Post a Comment
Hmmmmmmmph Dear, oh dear, oh dear!!! And this man is a mechanic?...I have made a mental note that if ever I'm in the Walker Street district of Hull and something should happen to my car (when I get one), I think I would rather walk all the way back to Wiltshire than have Mark the Mechanic Genius touch my automobile...and that's saying something!!!! If I was the owner, I'd be having serious words with Mark and asking to see his qualifications...I think Mark may have been on the computer and made some on Microsoft Word...The boss really should have phoned those References!!!!
SP
Hi Mark,
I think that it is disgraceful for what you put your wife and kids through.
Has anybody ever told you that Elvis is dead and so is his music.
Replace the vaseline with baby oil BIG BOY!!!!!! and I'm not referring to your man hood!!
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